restoration; lion’s eyes

My hair is crazy these days. A mess of curls and straight. Partly because of the humidity, and partly because I’m letting go.

I’m learning to embrace my mane, because I’m coming to an understanding of who I am inside. Where I once wanted to tame the little curls, make the braid perfect, always smooth out the pony tail, I now look in the mirror at the curls surrounding my face and the scrunches in my pony tail and smile. Because I realize that they so well represent who I’ve discovered I really am:

I am a wild lion. I am not a timid mouse.

For so many years I have let things define me: my past, my scars, my hindrances. I’ve kept the identity of a broken person and lived within its effects—but not anymore. I am not the quiet girl. I am not the shy one. Those are not my personality, those are my hindrances.

God is doing so much in my heart. He is healing me of past hurts and removing the scars. He’s restoring me. I have lived under the weight of my broken places for long enough. I say no more. God says no more. He is opening my eyes to the things in my life that I live by that aren’t from him. He didn’t make me to be timid and quiet. He didn’t make me to sit in the corner and keep my mouth shut. He didn’t make me to fear other people’s opinions, or keep my insight to myself, or apologize constantly for thinking I’m “in the way.” Thinking I’m a burden.

I was not made to be timid, or shy, or quiet.

I was made to be joyful, and to dance, and to shout. To sing for him with everything inside.

There’s a lion inside me, screaming to come out. There’s a lion inside of me that has been caged for so long, caged behind bars of brokenness and insecurity. And I’m setting her free. God’s setting her free. And she’s coming out roaring in righteous vengeance.

I’m rising from the ashes with a victor’s cry.

I’m learning to love the crazy hair on my head and the passion in my heart. I’m learning to shamelessly sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a fool and speak up and speak out. I won’t apologize for existing anymore. I won’t keep my mouth shut anymore. I won’t accept the brokenness that God has said I don’t need to hold on to.

I will no longer live a lie. I am not a mouse. Oh, how long I have been bound and fooled. No more. I am not a mouse. I am a lion. And I’m gonna live like one.

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. “In that day,” declares the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ … I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.
Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20